Confused

I wish this is easy to tell you. With the recent incident my parents, it has affected me mentally, and spending time with your family confuses my emotions a lot.

Don't get me wrong; your family is amazing, and you're lucky to have them. But I couldn't be in the moment and have a great time with them, knowing my family is broken, and understanding that my relationship with my own parents is strained.

I just couldn't, and it makes me feel even more depressed being around them because I have to go back to my own nightmare by the end of the day, and that's my reality. You are great, and your family is beautiful. I'm not in a good mental place right now. It's hard to talk to you, and I don't know how to. Trust me, I'm trying my best to communicate this to you.

I don't feel good spending time with someone else's family when I have to return to my own nightmare by the end of the day. That's my reality, and it confuses me to be happy and sad at the same time. I don't know if this is toxic, but I am avoiding it for my mental well-being. It is tiring to be happy when deep down, you're actually the most broken at the same time.

I feel stuck. There's nothing I can do to fix my family. Things will never change, and I have to live with it. That's my reality. I feel stuck because I don't know if I'm ever going to be comfortable. I guess all this has pulled me into a dark place.

Giving up

After the recent incident with my parents, it left me thinking, What's the point of having a family that feels so fake? My suicidal thoughts kept coming back. I wanted to self-harm. My own parents wouldn't take me seriously.

I finally took out a pen knife today and played with it. Holding it felt like some kind of relief. If only poking and slicing my skin would help release some tension. I held it close to my arm, leaning the sharp blade against my skin, and started tearing. What was I thinking?

Two hours later, I woke up with the pen knife beside me. I fell asleep due to being mentally exhausted. It is mentally exhausting when your home feels unsafe. It's a place where you need to be numb in order to be "normal" and continue life as per "normal."

The last time I had suicidal thoughts and self-harmed was back in my teens. I was immature, unstable, and helpless. But never did I know this could happen again in my 20s with a fully developed brain.

People become suicidal when they feel there's no hope anymore, and that's what I feel. There's no hope for me to be happy in this family. There's no hope in seeking comfort from my own parents. They've made me feel like I'm a problem for them. I'm a burden instead.

There's no hope because no one can understand how I feel. There's no hope in fighting because they will never change. I'm 24 this year. I should get past my childhood trauma but it became bigger instead. My past wounds had grown deeper.

I'm tired

 Im tired.

I'm tired of being treated likely.

Due to my past experiences, I know what I can and can not handle.

I know the battles to choose and to avoid.

And I'm tired of going through the same thing over again.

I am fragile, I don't deny.

But I'm not a joke to be taken likely.

I am sensitive because I know what I deserve.

And I don't deserve to be treated this way.

I'm tired and I can't care too much.

I can't care too much because it will hurt me even more.

I don't know what to feel and what to expect at this point in time. 

I need time to heal. 

I can't look at things the same way again.

I don't know how long I can put on a facade and pretend everything is okay.

I'm tired.