Confused

I wish this is easy to tell you. With the recent incident my parents, it has affected me mentally, and spending time with your family confuses my emotions a lot.

Don't get me wrong; your family is amazing, and you're lucky to have them. But I couldn't be in the moment and have a great time with them, knowing my family is broken, and understanding that my relationship with my own parents is strained.

I just couldn't, and it makes me feel even more depressed being around them because I have to go back to my own nightmare by the end of the day, and that's my reality. You are great, and your family is beautiful. I'm not in a good mental place right now. It's hard to talk to you, and I don't know how to. Trust me, I'm trying my best to communicate this to you.

I don't feel good spending time with someone else's family when I have to return to my own nightmare by the end of the day. That's my reality, and it confuses me to be happy and sad at the same time. I don't know if this is toxic, but I am avoiding it for my mental well-being. It is tiring to be happy when deep down, you're actually the most broken at the same time.

I feel stuck. There's nothing I can do to fix my family. Things will never change, and I have to live with it. That's my reality. I feel stuck because I don't know if I'm ever going to be comfortable. I guess all this has pulled me into a dark place.

Giving up

After the recent incident with my parents, it left me thinking, What's the point of having a family that feels so fake? My suicidal thoughts kept coming back. I wanted to self-harm. My own parents wouldn't take me seriously.

I finally took out a pen knife today and played with it. Holding it felt like some kind of relief. If only poking and slicing my skin would help release some tension. I held it close to my arm, leaning the sharp blade against my skin, and started tearing. What was I thinking?

Two hours later, I woke up with the pen knife beside me. I fell asleep due to being mentally exhausted. It is mentally exhausting when your home feels unsafe. It's a place where you need to be numb in order to be "normal" and continue life as per "normal."

The last time I had suicidal thoughts and self-harmed was back in my teens. I was immature, unstable, and helpless. But never did I know this could happen again in my 20s with a fully developed brain.

People become suicidal when they feel there's no hope anymore, and that's what I feel. There's no hope for me to be happy in this family. There's no hope in seeking comfort from my own parents. They've made me feel like I'm a problem for them. I'm a burden instead.

There's no hope because no one can understand how I feel. There's no hope in fighting because they will never change. I'm 24 this year. I should get past my childhood trauma but it became bigger instead. My past wounds had grown deeper.

I'm tired

 Im tired.

I'm tired of being treated likely.

Due to my past experiences, I know what I can and can not handle.

I know the battles to choose and to avoid.

And I'm tired of going through the same thing over again.

I am fragile, I don't deny.

But I'm not a joke to be taken likely.

I am sensitive because I know what I deserve.

And I don't deserve to be treated this way.

I'm tired and I can't care too much.

I can't care too much because it will hurt me even more.

I don't know what to feel and what to expect at this point in time. 

I need time to heal. 

I can't look at things the same way again.

I don't know how long I can put on a facade and pretend everything is okay.

I'm tired.

Maybe it is better Unknown

It is true when something is too good to be true. I'm not saying that I don't deserve good in this world. But it reminded me that everything belongs to The All Mighty. Surely there is a hidden reason behind everything.

Oh The All Knower, show me the truth and nothing but the truth.

Make me stronger and wiser. Make me a good person in this world and hereafter. Grant goodness for those who were/is there for me.

All I know that I'm weak without knowing what is best for me. Grant me clarity and strength. Indeed You are The Provider. Provide me with wisdom, show me what is right and lead me to what is destined for me.

Allahumma Ameen ameen Ya Rabb.

حسبي الله لا إله إلا هو عليه توكلت وهو رب العرش العظيم 

Lost

Allah, Allah.. I've been wondering
Alone in the dark
Not knowing my destiny
Supposedly I should be clear
Of where I am going to
But no
I see myself now going slowly
Taking small steps
Each steps are just by luck
I could survive and proceed
Allah, Allah..
I finally found myself lost
Not knowing where to go
Show me the light
The path of the right
Lead me to what is destined for me
To what is best for me
For what is beneficial for everyone
Allah, Allah
It is so dark here
I can't see, I can't feel
I am curling alone
Desperate for help
I am begging
Make my visions clear
For what is right
Oh Allah, widen my horizon

I'm hurt.

You are a manipulative expert.

No matter how hard you've tried to prove your excellence, I'll never believe in you again.
No matter how many times you tried to win me again, I will not be that idiot who falls for your games anymore.
You've spent all your years hurting the people around you when you could make them the happiest people on earth.
I've lost all the hope I have in you to the point I dont care what will happen next or what will happen to the people you and I love.
I'm done trying to help, assist you in any way because you need to learn and grow.
Of all these years of experience given to you, you have never took it as an advantage to make yourself grow and prove yourself a good person.
In fact you took the advantage of the people around you and treat them as slaves to make your life easier.
I have lost all my trust in you. You have broken many promises that I couldn't count. It all leaves me feeling stupid again and again for believing in you.
I'd rather detach myself because I'm on my own. I've been on my own all along. That's what you made me into.
Regardless if you had done any good to me, I couldn't remember because of the damages you have done to me.

There's no point burning a house and still calling it beautiful because there's remnants of gold left in it.

Kelemahan

Semua diuji dengan kehendak masing-masing.
Dicabar dengan ujian yang berlainan.
Tidak kira jenis ujian; ujian dalaman, ujian luaran dan sebagainya.
Tetapi ingatlah wahai teman,
Ingatlah wahai diri.
Setiap ujian itu dicipta hanya untuk diri ini.
Direka khusus untuk diri ini yang lemah.
Jangan lupa.
Jangan sesekali melupakan
Ketika engkau merasa lemah,
Merasakan engkau tidak sempurna,
Menghukum yang diri ini pendosa,
Ingatlah itu hanyalah permainan semata-mata.
Jangan sesekali pandang diri ini tidak layak
Kerana itulah sikap kita yang semula jadi.
Seorang yang sentiasa melakukan dosa, sentiasa lemah atas semua cabaran,
Tetapi yang luar biasa,
Yang berseronok menginkari nikmat, melakukan kerosakkan dan sentiasa berdosa ..
Adalah yang lemah sebenar-benarnya.